Nothingness

More of you and less of me.

It seems like the more I understand that I am nothing without Christ, the more He uses me and shows me my value.

I feel like nothing today. Beat down. Discouraged. Empty. Exhausted.

We lost another baby. I was at my 16 week doctor’s appointment and they couldn’t find a heartbeat. They did an immediate ultrasound and couldn’t even find the fetus. Empty.

I later learned I had a partial molar pregnancy, that there was a baby but it didn’t live past 7 weeks. I had a D&C procedure, and have to continue getting blood work done until my HCg hormone levels drop down to zero. Then it’s at least 6 more months of blood work to make sure it stays down. We were told we’d have to wait a year before trying for another baby. Following a pregnancy like this there is the risk that a tumor might continue to grow inside me that could even potentially become cancerous. It’s been just over a month and I’m still waiting for the blood test to come back zero.

Writing that brief version of the story, I’m a little detached. I’ve told it enough times by now, I can get through the facts.

But ask me how I’m feeling… that’s a whole different story. I can barely take one step up that mountain of a story. The pain feels too big to conquer, to even see the peak of it where I might be able to come down the other side with some relief. I’m still traveling up hill right now. One foot in front of the other. And the burden feels so heavy.

Jesus said to take His yoke upon us (Matt. 11:29). He said He would help us carry the load. I’m counting on that promise now. The child we lost was never meant to be, but for 4 months of terribly sick pregnancy the hope of that baby was what got me through. It’s been a horrible ending to a horrible season, and it’s just too much.

And yet, He’s called me to ministry. I’ll be co-coordinating the MOPS group of Valdez this year. It’s in the time I feel the most vulnerable, the least capable, the least prepared that He has answered the prayer and the calling I felt a year and a half ago when Teagan was just a newborn. A call to ministry. He laid the way, He set it all up, now I just have to say yes.

Never more than now do I feel like I am nothing. There is no silver lining to losing a child. How can anything good come out of it that was worth the loss? But the Lord still promises to USE it for good (Romans 8:28). He’s promised that the pain and suffering we experience now will create in us perseverance, faith, character, and hope (Romans 5:4). So I’m praying-

Use my nothingness Lord Jesus. Use this pain to produce in me more of your likeness, and heal me Father. Please heal me.

Amen.

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